My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
