Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
