when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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