She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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