no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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