; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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