you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw a hot homeless man
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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