Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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