My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
