This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
