i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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