If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
