So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
