my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
