the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
