i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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