I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
