Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
