He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
