dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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