Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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