you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I need to sanitize my soul.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
