better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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