we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
