It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
