Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
