I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
