We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
