Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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