yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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