i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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