How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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