dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
