What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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