Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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