i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We had sex on a dog bed..
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
