i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
