either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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