Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
