my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
