Can i not drive my cunt home
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
