Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
