He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
