I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
