Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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