I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
