I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
