I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
