I'm going to jail i love you
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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