I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
